Daddy
by Linneagb
Summary: I never thought I'd see the day I was a single- parent to an eight- year- old. Now when I am... I'm just so messed up I don't know what to do with either him or myself.


Elizabeth was strong, all the way into her last breath she was strong. That was why I hoped all the way to the end that I would not be here today- under these circumstances with a mother- less eight- year old. Kurt´s cheeks were still red and swollen, yet it had been almost twenty four hours since his mother drew her last breath.

I hadn´t known a person could cry for that long until the moment when I came home from the hospital yesterday. I had asked my mum to leave the house- maybe I had been a bit rude to her- but this was a moment I needed to have alone with my son. I had sat down with him on my side of Elizabeth´s and my bed, and then told him. Slowly I had told him what happened, leaving out most of it, but at last told him that his mum wouldn´t be coming back anymore.

Kurt had started crying. I had done the only thing I knew about and embraced my little boy. Hold him through one hour of crying- two, three hours, Kurt had switched with sobbing loudly, screaming after his mum, and quietly let the tears run down his cheeks.

The quiet hours had been the hardest for me to deal with, it was in those I didn´t know what to do. When he screamed I would try to calm him down, when he hyperventilated from sobbing, I would take deep, slow breaths to make him breathe with me- but when he was all quiet- when the only sounds that was heard was his and my breaths, and his sniveling, I sat there- I kept on rocking my little boy back and forth, but what could I say? What could I do? How could I act to make my little boy feel better?

I thought back- Eight years, two months, one week and three days ago, to May the 27:th 1993. When the male nurse Mitchell Taylor for the first time had laid my baby boy in my arms. After hours upon hours for Elizabeth giving birth to a baby boy- Elizabeth had been exhausted- when further problems hit only seconds later- I had ended up being the first- except for the doctor and nurse- to hold her baby boy.

Nurse Mitchell had led me out of the room, and let me sit down on a chair just outside the door. He had told me that the doctors were now doing their best to save my dear wife- but that he couldn´t promise me anything. I had asked to be left alone with my son, and Mitchell Taylor had walked away.

Then I´d taken Kurt´s small hands in one of my one big hands and prayed- I had prayed harder than I´d ever done to before- and still no sound had raised from my throat. Just minutes after I´d started, Dr. Nelson had come out of the room- and told me that it had been close- but that Elizabeth would be fully recovered in no time.

Only lord knows how much I´d prayed these last eight months- since Elizabeth was diagnosed with cancer- that had already gone so far it would be almost impossible to do anything about. I had prayed more than I had ever done before. When I had went in with Elizabeth for the very last time I had hit my knees in the middle of the hospital- corridor, joined my hands together and prayed for another miracle- pray to God that he would take me instead of her- Prayed to God about that he wouldn´t take away the most important person in my eight- year olds life.

But this time- it had proved to be useless- as Dr. Lautner had come out of the room- told me that there were only minutes left- and that I could go in to her.

I hadn´t been strong enough- God knows I hadn´t been strong enough to sit on the chair by Elizabeth´s dying figure. That I wasn´t ready to hold her hand, and talk to her as if nothing was happening- Just when something was happening.

Lord knows I wasn´t ready to tell Elizabeth that she shouldn´t worry- that I would take care of our son- when I felt weaker than ever- when I doubted that I would be able to stand or even breathe without my Ellie.

My Ellie- My Betty- My Liz- all the other hundreds of nicknames I´d had for her, I knew that I wasn´t strong enough to be with her in her last moments- but I forced myself anyway, forced myself to sit in the chair by the bed- stroking her head- bald after all chemotherapy- where there- actually not that long ago- had been loads of chestnut- brown curls all over. I knew that I wasn´t ready to sit there- hold her hand and talk to her just as if this was just another normal day- But I knew I had to force myself to do it.

And this wasn´t just another normal day. If this had been a normal day, Elizabeth would have been chattering- laughing- chattering even more- so I could barely get a minute to say something. She would talk about her day, about Kurt, about her friends. Actually, there would have been more subjects that she would have talked about- than subjects she wouldn´t.

I sighed deeply, scooped Kurt up in my arms, and was on my way to lay him down in Elizabeth's bed and pull the covers over him, then I thought back to when Kurt was little.

"Mummy." Four year old Kurt came running into my and Elizabeth's bedroom, and jumped crying up in Elizabeth's bed. Elizabeth and I had already heard when he came running so she sat up and embraced Kurt. I had raised myself on my elbows and just watched when Elizabeth had rocked her son back and forth, stroking her son's chestnut brown tresses- so much like hers, while he cried so he shook.

"Sch, sch, sch." I could still hear Elizabeth comforting Kurt. "Mummy's right here and she's not letting anything bad touch her little Kurtey."

"If any monsters come in here," Kurt had looked to me. "Will you scare them and hit them then daddy so they will go away?" I had smiled, nodded and told Kurt that I promised him that if any monsters came, I would scare them away with my very big muscles. Then Kurt had told us what the dream had been about that he was in our whole family's walk in closet, and that my work- wear and cap had turned into a monster that tried to come after him. Elizabeth had picked up her little "Kurtey" and walked over to the door to the closet. Then she and Kurt had walked into it, I had stood up and walked in there with them. I had kneeled down and put a hand on the shoulder of my shivering son.

Elizabeth had pulled out one of my checkered shirts and told Kurt to feel the fabric of it. Kurt's chin and lower lip was shaking when he was almost starting to cry again as he had lifted his hand and felt it.

"There, it's so soft isn't it? If there's something in this closet that would become a monster it would be mummy's heels wouldn't it? And you like mummy's heels right?" Kurt had nodded, then, Elizabeth had led him back to our bed, where we laid down- I and Elizabeth with Kurt in between us. Elizabeth and Kurt had fallen asleep instantly, while I just laid there- Kurt had fallen asleep with his head at my chest, and I had my arm around Elizabeth's shoulders- so I hadn't been able to move much without having to wake them up. But why would I have wanted to move- I had it all- everything I could ever need just laying there- running my fingers through Elizabeth's curls over and over again- and eventually I had fallen asleep.

If I could go back- I wouldn't have fallen asleep- I would have laid there forever with my son and my wife- my everything- my whole life!

The next morning I had been woken up by Elizabeth panicking because she hadn't been able to find Kurt anywhere, I had of course gotten very worried, and at the same time I tried to keep Elizabeth from calling the police or whatever. I had been running around and trying to find Kurt.

Eventually, he had suddenly just been standing there, teddy- bear in one hand, and one of Elizabeth's scarves in the other. Elizabeth had been crying tears of joy when Kurt had explained simply he had been sleeping in the closet- because it was safe to lay with daddy's soft shirts and mummy's pretty scarves and everything else there is in a closet.

Kurt had been sleeping in the closet ever since- well. Of course he slept in his own bed most nights- but if he had nightmares he'd sneak into the closet. We had eventually put in a mattress there, tried with blanket and pillow- but Kurt just used two of my shirts- one folded as a pillow- and the other one he pulled over himself as a blanket for himself and the teddy- bear named Blaine- after some guy he had once met in a playing- center- but forgot to ask about last name.

These past eight months Kurt had been sleeping in the closet more than ever, those nights when I was at the hospital with Elizabeth, Kurt had wanted to come with us- but neither of us wanted him to have to see his mummy being so sick as she became of the meds. So all those nights when my mum, Elizabeth's sister Mildred, or my brother Andy had been baby- sitting- Kurt had sneaked into the closet and slept there.

I sighed, lifted my son up again and carried him into the closet, I laid him down on the mattress, and folded a shirt and put under his head, then spread another over him, before patting his shoulder and standing up.

I lifted up a T- shirt, the text on it read "Kicking cancer's butt" I sighed, and pressed it to my face and breathed in the smell of my dearest. I stood like that for a couple of minutes- thought I was gonna cry. I wanted to cry, but nothing happened- and when I at last realized nothing was, I folded the shirt, put it down in a drawer again.

Kicking cancer's butt. Well, even though it had eventually got her all the way, kicking cancer's butt was exactly was Elizabeth had done. She had never let the cancer bring her down, whether she was vomiting from the chemo- or being half awake and exhausted. She had never been far away from smiling. And she was strong- oh god she had been strong- it just hadn't been enough all the way through- as she was caught by a severe pneumonia- it just caused everything to crash- and her lungs and heart had eventually given up. But Cancer had never been strong enough to break Elizabeth down. She was so much stronger.

I walked out of the closet and down to the living room, where I sat down on the couch and pulled up my phone- I knew my mum had already told Elizabeth's family about what had happened but I needed to speak to them all. I'd ask Mildred to fix with the funeral- there was no way I could do it. There was a hundred other phone calls I'd have to make before I could do anything- but what? What would I do? What could I do without my Lizzie here? And I hadn't even pressed in Mildred's number on my cell when I felt my eye- lids getting only heavier and heavier.

When I woke up the next time I was disoriented for a couple of seconds, as I looked around, at last I realized I laid on the living room floor, and Kurt was standing by my head looking down at me, with tears slowly streaming down his cheeks and dripping down on my face.

"Hey scooter." I sat up. One glance at the clock told me it was three in the morning, as I leaned against the sofa and pulled Kurt close to me.

"Hey daddy." He mumbled into my shirt, as he started sniveling again and I felt salt tears dripping down on my shoulder.

"Daddy?" he mumbled, his voice almost breaking.

"Yes?"

"Did mummy die because I was bad?" I shook my head and pulled Kurt so I could look him in the eyes.

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel- your mummy loved you very much. She loved you more than anything else and you know it. You did not cause your mummy to be ill, it just happen okay? So don't you dare believe that it was because you did nothing wrong because you did the exact opposite- and she would always fight just a little more because she wanted to come home and see you."

"But then why didn't she come back?"

"Because… she fought so hard she got even more ill, and then the monster was too strong for her to fight it." Kurt sniveled.

"But I want her to be here, I want her to be here with me." Kurt started sobbing again.

"I know Kurt… I know." I held Kurt even tighter, and started rocking him back and forth again.

Kurt Elizabeth Hummel- well- I can't say I was over the moon of joy when Elizabeth wanted to name our son- our baby boy Elizabeth. But she had me wrapped around her little finger as always, and knew exactly what to say to make me give in. We had originally planned to name him Burt- if it was a boy- and then junior- but when he was born- I just knew that I wanted him to have his own name. At last we came up with that he was a Kurt- it was close to my name- yet his own- and it was just a plus that one of the characters in Elizabeth's favorite musical was named Kurt.

Now, eight years later, I knew we couldn't have found a more perfect name for our baby boy. He was Kurt Elizabeth- no more, no less. I had known it already when he was little- and I knew it now.

As I still sat rocking Kurt when he had fallen asleep I wished once again that God had taken me instead of Elizabeth. I wished it more than ever.

One week later I and Kurt stood at the graveyard and watched as the coffin- and it hurt me so bad I knew my dearest laid in it- got slowly lowered down in the huge hole. The cross over it read "Elizabeth Maria Hummel 68/6/26- 01/8/03" it would be changed to a nicer gravestone in some while. And yet… I couldn't really understand, take in, believe that she was really gone. That I would never see her ever again.

I looked down at Kurt and took his hand- he would believe it was to support him- and it was- but just as much as it was to support him- it was to support myself. Hold on to what I had got- hold on to something to hold on and feel it was there.

But when we were walking home from the funeral, I thought that I was losing Kurt, and it made me do stuff to fast- and I ended up hurting both Kurt and myself.

"I HATE YOU!" Kurt shouted. "I WISHED THAT YOU DIED AND MUMMY CAME BACK." Kurt span around.

"Kurt." I said, he ran across the road a bit away from me when I saw a car- and it way too close. "KURT."

Kurt stopped, screamed, there was a sound of screeching brakes, and then it all seemed to stand still. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. Did I just lose everything I had left? I didn't know for how long I stood there, it felt like hours before I got movement in my legs again, and ran around the car- thinking the worst as I jumped down on my knees.

Kurt laid on the ground with his arms over his head, he laid under the car- only millimeters away from the front wheels of the car. I pulled my arms under the car- and the adrenalin- rush made me confused and still panicking. I lifted him up in his arms and shook him.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" I shouted, my voice almost breaking. "I WAS SO CLOSE TO LOSING YOU TOO. DON'T YOU DARE EVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT OR SCARE ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN." I gasped as I was brought back to reality, Kurt's chin was shaking of cry, and tears were yet again rising in his eyes, as I let him down.

"Kurt" I began. But he turned around and ran up the driveway and into the house. "Kurt…" I shouted after him- then he was out of my sight. I gasped, breathed out heavily, gasped again… then sobbed, once, twice. I cried as my heart was breaking- for my wife not being there- and for my little boy that had just lost his mum- the most important person in his life. I cried so I couldn't breathe, as I fell down on the sidewalk, put my head in my hands, and cried as if the world was ending

Tears blinded me, and I didn't notice the woman and the boy that had stepped out of the car and came over to me, before the woman had sat down next to me, she laid a hand on my back and started rubbing circles. Without caring about this to me was a complete stranger, I leaned against her and sobbed even worse.

"Sch sweetheart." She said comforting.

"I'm sorry." I sobbed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Sch, it's okay. It's okay." If this hadn't been during the circumstances it was, I would be worried what this woman and the boy would think- seeing a fully grown man cry his heart out- but right now I couldn't care less. The woman held my head to her shoulder- I don't know for how long. But eventually I had to put myself together, as I leaned further back and wiped away tears from my eyes.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, the woman- about my age- maybe a bit younger with green eyes and reddish brown hair, she just smiled at me.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for." I smiled and nodded thanks.

"My… my son… his mum… died last week."

"Oh I'm so sorry." I hang with my head, and fought back the tears.

"My Kurt, Elizabeth, she… she was very important to Kurt…"

"You are too." The woman looked me in the eyes with a look that made me trust her. "You are very important to your son and he loves you very much. Listen, when my Christopher died… I thought the world was ending. But… the world has a way of moving on even when you can't do it yourself. And then you wake up one day, and then you can find something good in the day." I shook my head. "It will. Just trust me." The boy- maybe a bit younger than Kurt. That had been quiet until now, he sat down on his knees by his mum and looked up at me.

"You can be my dad, and then mum can be mum to that boy we almost hit, and then I will have a dad and he will have a mum, and you will have someone and mum will have someone, and then everyone will be happy." I couldn't help but chuckle- this boy must have a lot of heart.

"Nah Finn." The woman combed her hand through the boy- obviously named Finn's hair. "I'm sorry but it isn't quite that simple. Carole by the way." She held her hand out, I shook it.

"Burt… Are you both okay?"

"Yeah, just a bit shaken."

"Daddy?" I heard Kurt's voice, as he had come walking, Finn and Carole moved Kurt stood there, his cheeks were red and swollen from crying, and there were still tears falling from his eyes.

"Do you hate me now?" He asked in a tiny voice, I did my best to smile, and held out my arms to show Kurt to come and hug me. He came over, I held one arm around him and the other I held his head to my shoulder, as he sat on my knee.

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel."

"His name is Eli…" Finn began, his mum hit his arm softly to silent him

"I love you more than anything, before, for now and for always, you know that just as much as I do. You just scared me, and when people are scared they say stupid and mean things."

"Daddy."

"Yes."

"I love you." I sobbed again.

"I love you too Kurt, so does mummy, all the way to the moon and back again."

"Daddy….is the sun further away than the moon?"

"Yes it is son."

"Then I love you all the way to the sun and back. Both you and mummy."

"Well then I love you all the way to the stars and back." I heard Carole laugh slightly- not a mean kind of laughter. No- I knew she didn't mean anything mean by it, as I lifted Kurt up on my hip, took Carole's hand and shook it, then had her fastly gazing over the scrapes Kurt had received on his elbows and knees as she explained she was a nurse. Then I walked into the house.

Later, for years I was searching for the woman, I wanted to say thank you, sorry and a hundred other things, but all I knew was her first name and her son's name, and boy are there many Carole and Finn in Lima. So I eventually gave up.

Two weeks later I walked up on a walking track- up on a hill, where there was a steep wall down in a sea. Kurt was with me- riding on my shoulders most of the way, up here a friend of mine had a cabin that I and Kurt were lending over the night. When we came up we could see miles away in every direction, and the sunset- while the sky colored red, orange and God knows what colors. I lifted Kurt down on his own feet, where we stood exactly by the edge, looking into the sea down below. I pulled Kurt back and took a couple of steps back so we wouldn't fall, and then I gave Kurt the letter he had wrote for his mum, he unfolded it and read.

_Dear mummy  
I said that I wish I could talk to you and daddy said I could. That's why we went all the way up to Mark's cabin, so I could get a little bit closer to the sky where you are, so then maybe you can hear me.  
I love you very much mummy and I wish you wouldn't have to leave, but dad says that you are in a better place now, and that you can't feel any pain, so I'm happy that you don't have to suffer anymore. Because that you suffered made me very sad.  
I also want to say thank you- thank you for making daddy happy, and thank you for having me. Now I will have to make daddy happy, but I don't know if I can do it as well as you did mummy. But I will do my best.  
Daddy say that you are in heaven now, but he also say that you are always with us, and I said that I wanted to see you- but daddy said I always could. If I just closed my eyes I would see you- and that was true mummy. You looked happy- and if you are happy I hope that I and daddy too will be happy sometime soon.  
I love you mummy, all the way to the stars, eight laps around them, and back to earth again.  
Yours sincerely  
Kurt Elizabeth Hummel _

I smiled, tears slowly falling from my eyes, boy was I proud of my son in this moment, as I helped him to fold an airplane of the paper, then I held his tiny hand in my big, and helped him to throw it over the edge.

I hugged Kurt, my chin rested on his shoulder as we watched the letter disappear further and further away. I wished now too that Elizabeth would have been here to see her son. Lord knows I wasn't ready to tell Elizabeth goodbye just yet- or ever.

God may also know that I wasn't ready to take care of Kurt myself yet- but then may he also know that I was gonna do my best.

**So… that didn't turn out too bad did it? (Kurt's middle name I found on the glee wikia) I hope you liked it- English isn't my first language, neither my second. **

**Please review. **


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